Cereal Complainer

Whilst doing my weekly food shop, I spotted a cereal which I’d never seen before. It looked delicious.

Lion CerealLooks can be very deceiving.

I’m a big fan of the Nestlé Lion bar, so when I saw Nestlé Lion cereal, I became very excited. I bought a box of it and the next morning, poured myself out a bowlful in excitement.

Lion cereal is disgusting; absolutely vile. It has very little flavour in the first place and after a few minutes soaking in milk, it tastes plainer than toenails.

I couldn’t eat it, so I gave it to Eddie. You may remember that Eddie is one of my dogs.
And he’s stupid.
Even for a dog.
He chases his own tail and eats his own arse.
Sometimes, he tries to eat Ruby’s arse too.
Ruby’s my other dog.
She too is stupid.

When a dog doesn’t eat a bowl of cereal given to it, you know that something is very wrong  because dogs will eat a bowl of pretty much anything. Eddie turned his nose up at the Lion cereal, so I took a photo of this as evidence and decided to complain to Nestlé. Below is the email sent:

Good day to you, kind sirs/madams at Nestle.

Please note that I attempted to send this complaint via your website several times, but kept receiving an error message (see image attached of a screen-print). To be honest, this has only increased my frustration. I kindly ask that you forward this on to the relevant team.

The Lion Bar is by far my favourite chocolate bar. For as long as I can remember, I’ve bought one every weekend as a little treat and cannot imagine missing out on one for any reason at all. Even when I go on holiday, I pack a few Lion Bars in my suitcase. I just love the Lion bar so much.

Imagine my glee when I was shopping in my local ASDA this weekend, and I saw something that resembled a Lion Bar in the cereal aisle. I thought my eyes were deceiving me so I went in for a closer look. Lo and behold, such a thing as Lion Cereal exists. I think I’ll remember that day for the rest of my life; the smell of cereal filling my lungs, the feel of the air conditioning against my skin, and Lion Cereal flirting with my eyes.

I grabbed three boxes of Lion Cereal and bundled them into my Oh, no no no no...trolley, taking care that they didn’t become squashed by other items. I finished my shopping, paid for my shopping, put my shopping in the car, headed home, stopped for fuel, almost put petrol in instead of diesel (I’ve recently bought a new car and keep forgetting what it runs on), went to pay for my fuel, realised I’d left my wallet in the car, went back to the car, checked that no one had stolen my shopping, paid for my fuel and went home.

I hastily put my shopping away(in my excitement, I put some of the dog food into the left-hand cupboard instead of the right-hand cupboard- madness, I know)and as it was only late afternoon, I decided to treat myself to a highly anticipated bowl of Lion Cereal.

It was disgusting.

There’s no other way to describe it. The texture and feel of the cereal is too heavy and the flavour, which doesn’t even remotely resemble that of a Lion Bar, lasts for all but 3 seconds. After the first chew, it’s like what I imagine it would be like to chew pulped paper. This was a very disappointing experience.

In disgust and with great sadness, I put the bowl of Lion Cereal on the kitchen floor so that Eddie (my staff/Alsatian cross) would finish it off for me. In fact, the Lion Cereal looked exactly like something I would give to Eddie as a mixer.

Bearing in mind that I’ve caught Eddie eating unspeakable things and licking questionable body parts on many occasions, I expected him to devour the bowl of Lion Cereal in no more than two or three gulps.

Imagine my shock when Eddie point-blankly refused to eat the bowl of Lion Cereal. He looked at me as if to say “are you having a laugh?” before literally turning away from it. He wouldn’t even sniff the Lion Cereal and no amount of coaxing could persuade him otherwise. I fed him some dog food instead, which he ate immediately. This is crazy, as Lion Cereal smells considerably better than Chappie.

So here I am, with three boxes of Lion Cereal that even my dog won’t eat. I have no doubt that others enjoy the taste of Lion Cereal but those of us with functioning taste buds should not have to resort to eating Chappie as a Lion Cereal substitute.

As evidence of these events, I’ve included a photo of Eddie turning his nose up at the Lion Cereal. You too will be amazed.

Let me assure you that this is not a message sent in jest. I would like my comments to be taken very seriously and to receive a response regarding this as Lion Cereal may have damaged my love of Lion Bars. I did consider buying a Lion Bar and having it in a bowl with milk, but then I realised that that’s just mental.

I look forward to your response.

Obviously, I included the photo of Eddie so that there was no disputing the evidence. I wasn’t really expecting a response so was rather surprised when I received a reply the very next day. It read as follows:

We do appreciate that taste is a very personal matter and that it is impossible to market a cereal that appeals to all of our consumers. We are dedicated to providing consumers with the best product possible and extensive market research showed that the majority of consumers enjoyed this cereal.

As the manufacturer of many popular breakfast cereal products, we are aware of the need to ensure high standards are always met. Consequently, comments from our consumers are a vital aid to maintain these standards.

Consumer feedback is important to us and I will ensure that your comments are forwarded onto our Marketing Team for their reference. Please reply to this email with your postal address details and I will forward you a reimbursement.

Warn[sic] Regards

I’ve replied with my postal address so I’ll either receive my reimbursement or a large, Nestlé turd through my letterbox. I’m hoping for the former. As usual, I’ll keep you posted.

Try Lion cereal at your own risk, but don’t expect your dog to eat it.

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