Sir Lord Alan Bloody Sugar and That TV Show of His

The Apprentice has appeared on our TV screens tonight for a 9th Series, although the current economic climate means that Sir Lord Alan ‘I-started-off-by-selling-car-aerials-from-the-back-of-a-van’ Bloody Sugar is only offering £250k for a business partnership- it used to be a job with him for a salary of £1m.

I was hoping that this would give me something witty and interesting to write about, but I’ve been left sorely disappointed.

The reason I’ve been left sorely disappointed is because tonight’s episode was shit. None of the candidates really leapt out as true Apprentice material. In fact, the only candidate who I did like and half-hoped would do well was Jaz, because she didn’t dither or hang around. She was a quick-fire motivator, but evidently rubbish at project-managing, hence she was fired.

Seeing as there’s not a lot I can write about, I thought I’d share my 10 observations from our first helping of The Apprentice for this year:


Neil Clough1. Neil Clough’s mission statement

“I’m here to win. If that means being tough and making tough decisions, that’s exactly what I’m going to do”

Neil is now doomed for failure simply because he’s stated that he’s there to win. A bold statement, considering that he only had a 1/16 (or 6.25%) chance of going into business with Sir Lord Alan Bloody Sugar. Put another way, he stood a 93.75% chance of being proven that his mission statements are a load of bollocks. On the bright side, after tonight’s episode, he now only has a 93.34% chance of failure.


Rebecca Slater2. Rebecca Slater’s mission statement

“I’m a pretty tough person. I don’t let people walk all over me in life or in business. And if somebody crosses me, it’s game over”

She’s going to end up crying, there’s no doubt about it. I really, really hope that someone crosses her because I’m dying to see how she’ll end the game. Incidentally, Rebecca doesn’t say who the game would be over for, so I’ll just assume she means herself.
By the way, it’s not grammatically correct to start a sentence with the word “and”.


Zeeshann Shah3. Zeeshaan Shah’s mission statement

“I’m a ‘Great’ of my generation. I’m an innovator and leader in business. I take inspiration from Napoleon; I am here to conquer”

We’ve moved on a bit from wars and conquering- you’re in the wrong place. The boardroom is a civilised environment, thank you.




Francesca Macduff-Varley
4. Francesca MacDuff-Varley’s mission statement

“I’m prepared to fight to the death to become Lord Sugar’s business partner”

Seeing her up against Rebecca Slater and Zeeshaan Shah will be like watching a cross between Warhammer and Dungeons & Dragons.
It’ll be a bloodbath, that’s for certain.



Bit of a mouthful5. Francesca MacDuff-Varley’s name

I fell asleep 3 times whilst typing it for point number 4 but only twice whilst typzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz………



Jason Leech6. Jason Leech’s mission statement

“Some people might come to this process with a game plan. I just feel my effortless superiority will take me all the way”

Even if Jason does win, will it be worth being beaten up for? He’ll look like a bit of a prat if he only makes it through a few episodes- it certainly wouldn’t bode well on the effortlessness of his superiority, would it?



Kurt Wilson

7. Kurt Wilson’s mission statement

“I’m an alpha male; I always get my own way and know how to make people do what I want”

Sex pest. Likely to spike your drink with rohypnol. Hears “fuck me harder” when being begged to stop. Probably.
Looks shifty.



Jessica Duraccell Rabbit8. Luisa Zissman’s mission statement

“I have the energy of a Duracell bunny, sex appeal of Jessica Rabbit and a brain like Einstein”

If you look closely at this, you’ll notice that although Luisa has the energy of a Duracell bunny and the sex appeal of Jessica Rabbit, she only has a brain like Einstein. Einstein did indeed have a brain, as does my cat. Perhaps Luisa is smarter than her mission statement suggests at first glance.


Natalie Panayi9. Natalie Panayi’s mission statement

“When it comes to business, I am the complete package and when it comes to sales, I’m the best”

I read halfway through this and started to admire the simplicity yet effectiveness of it. When it comes to sales, I was expecting “I’m number one” or “I deliver the results” or even “I bring home the bacon”, but all we got was “I’m the best”. I feel let down and disappointed.


Eyebrows10. Alex Mills’ eyebrows

Seriously, has he shaped them himself? Why would anyone do that?


So that’s my observation of series 9 of The Apprentice so far. It’s not exciting, it’s not interesting and the bit about Kurt Wilson probably being a rapist could land me in a spot of bother; slander and character-defamation wise.

We’re now left with the following candidates, but don’t forget that the next episode is on tomorrow evening. My money’s on Neil Clough to be fired, simply because he thinks he’s going to win.

Alex Mills
Natalie Panayi
Neil Clough
Rebecca Slater
Sophie Lau
Tim Stillwell
Uzma Yakoob
Zeeshaan Shah
Francesca MacDuff-Varley
Jason Leech
Jaz Ampaw-Farr
Jordan Poulton
Kurt Wilson
Leah Totton
Luisa Zissman
Myles Mordaunt

Would Sir Lord Alan ‘I-started-off-by-selling-car-aerials-from-the-back-of-a-van’ Bloody Sugar fire you?

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