The ITV Freak Show

On Today's ShowNo, I don’t mean Britain’s Got Talent– I mean The Jeremy Kyle Show.

We all pretend that we hate it but secretly, we’ve all watched an episode or two and couldn’t tear ourselves away from this car-crash of a “discuss all of your personal problems on TV” show.

I admit that if I’m off work, I will make a point of watching The Jeremy Kyle Show in the morning, but it’s not something I feel the urge to watch every day.

As with Embarrassing Bodies, people volunteer to make spectacles of themselves on TV rather than sort out their personal issues behind closed doors and via the more conventional methods. For example, if your fanny or cock was oozing some unidentifiable, smelly discharge, you’d go to your GP where you’d be examined and diagnosed in a private room.

Or, if I wasn’t getting on with members of my family, I’d try to sort it out by talking to them anywhere other than on the stage of a TV studio.

Granted, The Jeremy Kyle Show has it’s benefits and I can see why some people would choose to go on it.

DNA and lie detector tests can’t be cheap, so it makes sense that if someone really does need proof that a child is theirs or that a partner has cheated on or stolen from them, embarrassment has been weighed up against cost and the decision to appear on the show made on this basis.

DNA tests are foolproof, so the results from one of these is definitive. However, despite a disclaimer on The Jeremy Kyle Show that the lie detector test results are something like 98% accurate, it also tells us that the accuracy is also disputed. I’ve done some research on the lie detector test (or polygraph test, if you want to use it’s official title) and have discovered that test results can only be used to assist or guide in other lines of investigation- test results are not definitive and as such, can not be relied on as totally accurate.

We all like the “lie detector” episodes because from the very beginning we’ve made up our minds on whether the subject is guilty or not based on how they speak, what they’ve said and what they’re wearing.

Deny it all you want- it’s true.

More often than not, the subject has lied and gets a grilling from Jeremy Kyle or the person he/she has wronged. Despite this, the subject will more often than not plead innocence and state that the test results are wrong; a response which is usually met with ridicule from Jeremy Kyle. The subject is then branded as a liar.

But the lie detector test can not provide definitive results because of the way in which it

Jeremy Kyle
JK himself

works. Ultimately, it works on assumptions based on the subject’s response to various questions, picked up from different probes which measure sweat levels and heart rate. There’s every possibility that a subject isn’t lying but the fate of their relationship with another person depends on a machine which measures your sweat.

Now, during the “lie detector” episodes, I don’t know whether to think the subject’s a complete twat for taking the chance of being caught out as a liar or whether to feel sorry for them because they may well have been telling the truth and their wife or husband has just left them for good because of some dubious results in an envelope.

On this basis, is it really worth taking a lie detector test at all?

I believe that the contestants on The Jeremy Kyle Show get their travel paid for and get put up for the night in a hotel, so this combined with a free DNA test is possibly worth doing- who cares if you’re labelled a slut or a man-whore by the end of it?

I know it’s wrong to be judgemental and to stereotype but a lot of the contestants on The Jeremy Kyle Show really are vile and grotty. So many people go there in tatty clothes with their unwashed hair, their limited vocabulary and the desire to fight everyone else that comes onto stage. It also seems to be a requirement that your teeth haven’t been brushed since the turn of the millennium.

No doubt some of you are going to read that and accuse me of making assumptions or of saying things that aren’t fair, but there is a certain type of person who appears on every episode of The Jeremy Kyle Show. Perhaps the producers deliberately pick out the most disgusting people possible for the show, but I can’t see them asking for photos before agreeing to invite someone along- I always assumed that the researchers would get as much information as possible and pass it on to the producers who would then decide whether or not to invite contestants along. For The Jeremy Kyle Show to regularly feature the same calibre of person can only mean that it’s the same type of people who generally apply to appear on the show. In turn, this type of person is either more likely to need help with various domestic issues than a slightly more dignified person, or they just have less of an issue with their various domestic issues being aired on TV.

Most of the issues brought up tend to involve Facebook in one way or another.

Whenever a reference to Facebook is mentioned, Jeremy Kyle feigns frustration and states that he doesn’t know what Facebook is. I don’t believe this for a single second and as much as I’d like to find him on Facebook, I know that he’d have the sense to make his profile completely hidden. I did have a quick look and I think I’ve found his wife’s Facebook profile, but that’s entirely private and I can’t see who she’s friends with- I still reckon Jeremy Kyle is on Facebook and that he uses it all of the time.

If you fancy a brief getaway with no expense spared and you don’t mind finding out (along with 1.8 million of the viewing public) something which can embarrass you or destroy your life ask The Jeremy Kyle Show to help you.

If you have some dignity and the ability to converse without resorting to violence, sort things out in the good old-fashioned way, just like a respectable, half-sensible person should.

Oh, and you may want to see a doctor about that smelly discharge dripping down your leg.

Are you Facebook friends with Jeremy Kyle?

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