Searching For an Answer

Searching For an AnswerWe already know that visitors stumble upon Ninja Hedgehog by searching for some obscure things but I wanted to share some of the more unusual or amusing search terms which have directed visitors here.
Together, we can have a laugh at the ridiculous phrases and spelling errors.

Here’s the most unusual/interesting/weird/wrongly spelt search terms used to locate Ninja Hedgehog. A couple of patterns appear to be present, so I’ve categorised them a little bit- there really are some freaks out there.


Kate Middleton and Her Boobs

In September 2012, Kate Middleton got snapped topless and I wrote a little post about this, which would explain why Ninja Hedgehog appeared in search results for the following terms:

closer kate topless
i wont to see the queens boobs
i want to see the queens boobs
internet queen of tits
kate middleton
kate middleton closer tits
kate middleton’s tits
kate middleton tit pictures
kate’s tits
kates tits
middleton “kate topless” egotastic
photos of kates tits on the internet
queen kates boobs
queen kate tits
queen kates tits
queen kate’s tits
royal topless photos
tits royalty queen


The Apprentice

There seems to be a bizarre obsession with some of the contestants from this year’s The Apprentice. I can understand that some people wanted to find nudey pictures of certain contestants, but questioning the length of their arms? Seriously??

alex mills apprentice
francesca macduff-varley nude pic
francesca macduff-varley tits
is myles mordaunt gay?
jordan poulton twat
leah totton topless

luisa zissman
luisa zissman at clubs
luisa zissman fucked
luisa’s zissman fucking

luisa zissman fucking
luisa zissman fucks sir alan sugar

luisa zissman fuking video
myles mordaunt the apprentice
pictures of luisa zissman

uzma yakoob


Mel Greig

Michael Christian and Mel Greig prank-called the hospital where Kate Middleton had been admitted with an icky tum. I’ve never really thought about looking for nudey pics of Mel Greig, but someone else has. It seems that one person won’t be very successful where porn’s concerned if they’re looking for titts:

mel greig boobs



Many people will be unpleasantly surprised when they stumble across my blog whilst searching for a hedgehog to paint with. Some of those people will also struggle with the words on Ninja Hedgehog as they are spelt correctly. I have not loaned nor have I taken your money:

dulux hedgehog
hedgehog nuisance
ninga hedgehog
hedgehog loan
hedgehog boobs photo
people who have painted with dulux hedgehog
payments to hedgehog on my bank statement
ninja hejhog


Dominic Littlewood

I like watching Dominic Littlewood on TV as he makes everyone look like a giant. I also like him as he reminds me of an angry turtle, albeit slightly faster and lacking a shell. Despite this, I did compare him to a rude word, but it was done affectionately. Some people really don’t like Dominic Littlewood:

dominic from cowboy builders is a wanker
dominic littlewood cunt

I’m slightly surprised that some people use Google to search for a statement, which is likely to be fairly unique. Telling Google that Dominic Littlewood is a wanker won’t stop him from catching up with those pesky cowboy builders.



Again, some people get confused by Google. Maybe they’re just really angry but just as equally unintelligent; not knowing that to vent their frustration at Vodafone, they need to contact Vodafone. I’d have told Vodafone to piss off too, if they told me they were increasing my monthly bill:

piss off vodafone
can vodafone t-sticks cause cancer

I don’t know what a t-stick is but I guess the answer to this question depends entirely upon what you’re doing with the t-stick or where you’re sticking it.


Entirely Random

Below are search terms that are unique and don’t really fall into any particular category (as grouped above). Clicking on each one will take you to the article(s) it relates to. They’re all pretty self-explanatory apart from the statement regarding April Jones, which I think is a little harsh. Granted, she shouldn’t have gotten into someone’s car but in her defence, she was only 5 years old:

vomit thorpe park (not sure where the vomit came from)
meaning see you next tuesday
april jones irresponsible
lion cereal review
james may hugs
why did hazell kill tia
what has samantha brick written to upset people (what hasn’t she written to upset people??)
bad parking cunts

Whilst I know straight away why the search terms above brought visitors to Ninja Hedgehog and can generally recall quite quickly which article they relate to, there’s some which I either have to Google myself or search for within Ninja Hedgehog because of their apparent randomness. Here’s 5 examples of such search terms, which are also my favourite of the hundreds of others which have directed visitors to Ninja Hedgehog:

unisex, french campsite, penis

I think this brought a visitor to an article about a camping trip, which mentions the words French campsite and unisex. It doesn’t contain the word penis. How those 4 words can be used together in one phrase is completely beyond me. It was obviously searched for by a French person.

“i have malaria”

Surely the thing to Google would be “malaria symptom” or “how do I know if I have malaria”? Once again, someone is telling Google something rather than asking. Instead of pissing around on the internet, this unfortunate person should be visiting the doctor. It took a while to find the article that this search term brought a mosquito magnet to, but I believe it was the one where I wrote about a nasty bite I had. If you missed that article, then you haven’t lived.

running late to work in advance

This poses an interesting question, doesn’t it? I’d love to know what goes through some people’s minds when they’re let loose on Google– I can only assume these weird searches take place when a carer has popped off for a poo. This is another search term which baffled me at first but I think it related to some bird photos I took. Sounds mental, but the title may be partially to blame.

sea lion poo

I’m sure there’s a great excuse for this one. It was probably a wildlife expert who was tracking a rare sea lion and wanted to see if he (or she) was on the right track. Out pops the smartphone, Google comes up and in just a few seconds, the wildlife expert has photos of sea lion poo on the screen so that a sample can be identified. Alternatively, as on this occasion, this unrelated article pops up on the screen instead. I would have been disappointed too.

i don’t understand dominos any size pizza £9.99

This is by far my favourite search term used to find Ninja Hedgehog and it almost saddens me to know that some poor soul had to Google this Domino’s offer because the title wasn’t descriptive enough.

For those of you not-in-the-know, every now and again Domino’s offers any pizza, any size for £9.99. Want a medium Hawaiian pizza? It’s yours for £9.99.

Want a large meat feast pizza? Same deal- £9.99. Want a small BBQ pizza? Then you’re a wanker for not getting a large BBQ pizza instead and paying the same price of £9.99.

This is probably one of the simplest, easy to understand offers that you’ll ever come across- beaten only by something which is free. I don’t know who’s more disappointed; me because such a fucktard wasted my unlimited bandwidth for no reason and didn’t get beyond laughing and pointing at the word Ninja or the fucktard for never finding out what any pizza, any size for £9.99 means.

Now for the interesting bit. These 5 search times were used on PCs in public libraries in Bristol. That’s a lie, but they probably were.

Do you know where to look for hedgehog brushes, titts and sea lion poo?

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