Taxi Driver: What Gets on My Tits

Write for Ninja HedgehogThis post contains rude words!

First of all, let me say thank you to Ninja Hedgehog for letting me post my first literary essay/rant. I’m a taxi driver: I’ll tell you what it’s really like and what gets on my tits. There are a few good things about my job, but you don’t want to hear about that, that’s far too boring.

The questions I get asked the most are:

1. What time did you start?
2. Are you busy?
3. Have you been on holiday this year?

The real answer to all of these is: NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS!!!!

Of course I can’t say that, but that’s what I want to say, so I just give them some stock bullshit answer through gritted teeth. I get asked these question at least 5 times a day, every day, and it really, really does get on my tits! I don’t mind small talk, but for fuck sake come up with something different. Politics, state of the economy, anything.

I did really piss off a cop once by telling him what I thought should happen to horrid scroats after they’ve robbed someone for drug money or whatever. He was very angry, and I drove off chuckling away to myself. So please, when you get in a cab, please don’t ask these questions because they really make the drivers’ piss boil!!

I work during the day, mainly so I don’t have to deal with over-testosteroned, chest-beating pricks and slags that appear to have no self respect or morals but this means I have to deal with old people and kids. School runs are bread and butter for a cab company so it has to be done, but some of these kids are utter cunts. I’m sorry but they are. Some just sit quiet and that’s fine with me, but some of them are the most nastiest, horrid, pieces of shit you can come across and the parents don’t seem to care. More to the point, they can’t be bothered to get off their ass and take their own fucking kids to school.

Old people are generally ok, but you do get the odd ones that smell off piss and ulcerated limbs. Along with the occasional bit of spittle that lands on you while they’re talking, this makes for a whole barrel of fun. I’m not in the job for tips; most oldies do tip ok and a lot just give you the right money. It’s cool and I totally understand. 10P is often given, which I’d rather they keep if I’m honest, but the strangest tip I got was an apple. A FUCKING APPLE!!!! Thank’s mate….I don’t like apples.

Another bug is people that book a cab for a certain time and are never ready. “Five minutes mate” is something I hear a lot. Now, when you book an appointment for the doctors you turn up on time, right? You get pretty pissed off if the doctor is running late so why oh why do people think it’s ok to keep a cab waiting? It’s rude for a start and as a self employed driver, if my wheels aren’t turning, I’m not earning!! Time is money people, be on fucking time!!

Motorways are shit right? We all know this but the M25 is a whole mass of shit, with a bunch of wankers driving on it; middle lane wankers being the worst culprits. If you look a little to the left, you’ll find a lane or two totally empty. Here’s a thing, FUCKING USE THEM!!! Also, why do people find it so hard to drive behind one another in practically a straight line without crashing? The answer is, they’re pricks most of them!!! It’s not fucking rocket science is it? If you crash, it’s generally because you or someone else is driving like a prick, so stop it!! You fuck everyone else’s day up!!

My social services skills are tested often. I had one girl in the car crying because she’d just had her child taken away. My advice of “try being a better parent then” wasn’t taken very well, but I meant it from the bottom of my heart. I don’t really care what’s going on in other peoples lives. When a customer gets in my car, I don’t bleat on that I’ve got a headache, or my pants are too tight and my balls are crushed, so don’t tell me your shit- I don’t care. “Can you hold my baby while I pop in the shop?” errr… no. “Can you post this letter for me?” Again… no. I’m not a fucking baby sitter or a postman. You wouldn’t ask a bus driver to do it would you?

Some women also have no self respect. I had one girl leave a rather large fanny-batter wet patch on my front seat. She did apologise though, but how would she like it if I wiped my jizzy cock on her front seat after I’d finished off? Pretty disgusting right? One of the best ones was picking up a girl at 7am on a Saturday morning from the squaddie blocks at Maidstone army barracks. I sat and waited while she finished sucking the squaddie off on the door step of the block. She told me as I dropped her at her destination that she wasn’t a slapper. I pointed out what I’d just seen her doing and that her cum breath told a different story. True story that.

So there you go, the glamorous life of a taxi driver. Add to that, I paid £2600 for my taxi insurance last year, plus the £350 for it compliance test, plus diesel, tax and other bits. I work a 60+ hour week just to make ends meet, so there’s a lot of bullshit to deal with.

Still think all taxi driver’s are well off?

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About Stewie

Just your average 40 year-old male trying to keep his head above the water.

One Response to Taxi Driver: What Gets on My Tits

  1. Norman hunter says:

    If you don’t like it stop fucking doing it.

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