Cycle On, Helmet Boy

CycleAfter I posted an earlier video, I got to thinking about how much cyclists annoy me. Not all cyclists, mind; just a particular type of cyclist.

Ironically, the kind who piss me off are the kind who spend the most money on their bikes and all their cyclist gear.

These are the cyclists with the proper helmet (which all cyclists should wear anyway), Lycra, special shoes and incredibly expensive-looking bikes. They hunker down as they cycle and although they don’t necessarily break any applicable speed limits, they tear around in slow-moving traffic, swerving around stationary cars and clueless pedestrians. They then casually cycle through red lights, because these don’t apply to them.

Councils spend plenty of money on cycle lanes, which are supposed to be a safer passage for cyclists. These cyclists then ignore these reserved section of the road and ride along to the right-hand side of them, because of drainage grills and bumps. This is bizarre, because before cycle lanes became as common as they are now, cyclists would happily hug the kerb as they rode along.

Groups of these cyclists go out for exercise and fresh air on a weekend, riding merrily along country lanes.

Two or even three abreast.

Do these cyclists ever move out of the way of a car? No.

Do these cyclists ever let a car pass by pulling in around parked cars? Do they fuck.

Do these cyclists look over their shoulders before changing their position in the road? Of course not- bollocks to that.

Not all cyclists are the same- I know that not all cyclists are this careless and reckless.

However, the cyclists who you’d assume would be more sensible and courteous because they’ve gone to the effort of buying expensive cycling gear are mainly a massive bunch of cunts. What makes them an even larger bunch of cunts is the fact that they spend a shit load of money on flimsy garments which cover very little of their arms and legs, so that when they do come off their bike because they’ve caused a crash, they’ll end up losing 80% of their skin.

Why do cyclists go through red lights? They know full-well that when they’re using a public road, all of the relevant rules and regulations apply to them as well as other road users. They must also surely know that when a traffic light is red, another light somewhere else is green, meaning that traffic or pedestrians will be passing by.

Top Gear made an amusing public service announcement for cyclists a few years back and although it caused outrage amongst the twatty cyclists whom red lights don’t apply to, it was straight to the point and perfectly fair, in my opinion.

The problem with jumping a red light is that there’s a good chance someone’s going to get hurt. Fortunately, in the video below, the person who ended up hurt (or at least humiliated), was the wanker on two wheels who decided that a red light actually means “cycle faster”.

Although the roads are where any adult riding a bike should be (safely), you tend to find a small minority (whose only safety equipment is a baseball cap) who ride on the pavement. Usually, they’re cycling along fairly slowly and they generally move out of the way of pedestrians (mainly so as not to spill their can of beer). As always, you get an exception to the rule and in this example, it comes in the form of someone who wants to zip along at 20mph along the pavement.

Several years ago, whilst walking to work, I was collided in to by a wanky cyclist (who had the expensive bike and the Lycra clothing). I had just parked my car and was taking a cut-through onto the main pathway across the road from where I work. As I stepped out onto the pavement, I heard a cry of “watch it!” and the idiot cyclist caught a glancing blow against my right arm. Fortunately, I was only knocked back a little, despite it being a fairly firm bump. The cyclist wasn’t so fortunate and had come tumbling off his expensive bike, scraping a knee and an arm. He made no apology whatsoever and kept simply saying that he was in the cycle lane- there never had been and there still wasn’t a cycle lane on that entire stretch of road, so I have no idea what he thought he’d seen.

At this point, a man came through the same cut-through with his young daughter on his right-side. Had the cyclist come careering down the hill as this couple had wandered out, the young girl could have been seriously injured.

I had a few choice words with the cyclist and pointed out the young girl who was oblivious to the danger she could have been in, but the cyclist just sat in a heap on the floor, inspecting his bike for damage, mumbling to himself. To be honest, I was pissed off that he hadn’t even apologised and as I left him to go to work, I may have accidentally trodden upon the spokes of his rear wheel, bending a few of them in the process.

You’ve probably already seen the below video on Facebook or in the news…

Again, I must stress that not all cyclists have a death wish or are obnoxious, self-righteous scroats; it’s just the majority of them who are.

I have complete admiration for the few who are safe, courteous and who adhere to the laws of the road. They cycle in any weather, night or day, keeping fit and helping the environment at the same time. In some cases, cycling somewhere can actually be quicker than driving a car or getting the bus, so cycling can really be a win/win situation.

It’s not only cyclists who are a menace on the road; you’ll always get that rogue motorcyclist, car driver, lorry driver or bus driver. The problem with being a safe cyclist is that you can’t control the poor driving skills of other road users, so if someone else has a momentary lapse of concentration, through no fault of their own, a cyclist can become seriously injured or squished. In the video below, the cyclist was doing absolutely nothing wrong; it was the ‘professional’ driver who wasn’t paying attention.

I have no problem with other road users who are sensible on the road. All instances of poor driving get on my tits, but it’s the complacency and obnoxiousness of twatty “look at me in all my proper cycling gear” cyclists and the fact that in reality, they’re the most vulnerable on the road which really infuriates me. It’s like they think their Lycra shorts have built-in invincibility and magical powers.

You’re not invincible.

Wearing a helmet will protect your head and your brain, but try riding a bike with an arm or a leg missing because you’ve been hit by a lorry after jumping a red light.

It should be mandatory for cyclists to have third-party insurance and for them to be able to prove that they hold this, because they’re just as likely (if not more likely) to cause an accident. If a cyclist causes you to crash, who are you going to claim off? Good luck trying to find out if that cyclist has some sort of insurance cover elsewhere which provides liability for such an accident.

I treat cyclists (and other road users) in the same manner in which they treat me, because I know that if I make a mistake, I won’t end up losing most of my skin.

Do you stop at red lights when you’re wearing Lycra?

About Ninja Hedgehog

I’m Ninja Hedgehog, the creator of the Ninja Hedgehog website. I've written various things over the years but started Ninja Hedgehog in October 2011. I write about all kind of subjects but will never write about sport. Ever.
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