A friend of mine has recently met a woman and is no different to any other man in that he desperately wants to impress her. For example, he needs to remember not to belch and shout “bollocks” at the same time or lift his legs high in the air to force out the wettest-sounding, vilest-smelling fart whenever he feels a bit of a wind build-up.
The main thing on my friend’s list of impressiveness is to clean his house. As a previously single man of many years, he has accumulated many items including mechanical parts and various pieces of furniture, which have been shoe-horned into any spare nook or cranny in the downstairs of his house. This is fine for him, as he can easily locate any item due to knowing it’s exact whereabouts (although I personally think this is more to do with luck than anything else).
However, the organised mess which is the downstairs of my friend’s home won’t necessarily be appreciated in the same way by his new girlfriend, who has been hinting at finally visiting his home for a little while now. The mess needed to be tidied up.
I dread tidying up any big mess as I never know where to start. Had I been charged with clearing my friend’s mess, I’d still be standing there staring at it now and trying to formulate the most efficient way in which to put each item into it’s rightful place. It was a mammoth task to be confronted with and I can’t say I can judge or criticise the way in which my friend tackled it.
Instead of moving things and putting them away, my friend took a Stanley knife, carved up the carpet into strips for easy removal (to be fair, the carpet was fucked anyway, what with grease, oil and an assortment of food and drink trodden into it) and shoved the mess into the middle of the room.
To make the illusion slightly more realistic, my friend bought a small tin of magnolia paint, which he will splash about on a small section of wall.
It genuinely does look like he’s in the middle of decorating his house, but I can’t decide whether or not my friend is the next Albert Einstein or just a massive, fucking idiot.