Move It or Lose It

Stair TwatYou finish work at 5pm on a Friday afternoon. You’ve been lucky enough to manage your day so that as soon as this magical time arrives, you can simply get up and leave work. It’s Saturday tomorrow, but in your mind it’s already the weekend. Nothing or no one is going to stop you from enjoying this weekend, right from 5pm.

Apart from some cunt who walks ridiculously slowly down two flights of stairs in front you, using their phone to tweet, text or poke someone. And it’s not like it’s just one person who you want to shove firmly in the back; it’s a whole herd of cunts, taking their  time because they can’t see where they’re going properly- they all have mobile-tunnel-vision.

It’s just like getting off an aeroplane. The moment the seatbelt lights go out, you hear a symphony of 300 hundred seatbelt buckles being  undone, followed by the beep/tone of a mobile phone and the immediate tippety-tap of 300 virtual keyboards.

It’s like everyone’s been holding their breath, counting down the minutes before the aeroplane lands and they can breath again, safe in the knowledge that their wonderful, online social life can embrace them once again into it’s welcoming bosom. Welcome to these peoples’ reality.

In a way, I can understand being so keen to turn your phone back on after you’ve been on an aeroplane for a few hours. Someone may want to know that your plane landed without being blown to smitherines by a terrorist, you may need to let a driver know that you’ll be out of the airport within the next few hours (after your missing bag is eventually found, wrapped in plastic because it mysteriously imploded) or you may need to check for an email, imperative to that business meeting you’re on your way to.

But for people to be so desperate after work that they need to hold intelligent people up unnecessarily is an utter joke.

Here’s an idea- check your text messages before you go down the stairs or after you’ve exited the building. Facebook and Twitter can wait those few minutes for you.

If you’re going to check your phone after you’ve reached the bottom of the stairs, choose somewhere sensible to stop- this brings me on to the second part of my rant.

It’s now 5.02pm. People are making their way to the sole building exit via various doors, Herd of Cuntscorridors, lifts and stairwells. A slight bottleneck is inevitable, but it’s only going to get worse when some massive, fucking bellend decides that it will be a good idea to stop in the doorway and check their phone or to have a quick chat with another cockwomble of similarly low IQ.

Do you think we all want to get stuck behind you so that you can have a quick catch-up with your mate which to be honest, is exactly what you’re going to do later anyway- probably via SMS, Facebook or Twitter? The answer is no.

No we do not.

Don’t be a cunt. Don’t dither. Check your poxy phone when you get into your car or while you’re waiting for the bus- the internet will still be there when you do.

When leaving work on Friday, I was a second away from “accidentally” bumping in to the person in front of me with enough force so that he rolled down the remaining stairs upside down and at a very reasonable pace. Granted, he may have broken a bone or two and may have required some time in hospital but when you offset the time spent in traction against the time of hundreds of others which he has wasted due to being a cunt on the stairs, I think you’ll agree it’s a reasonable sacrifice. These people are the middle-lane hoggers of our stairwells and seeing as penalty points can’t be issued for this heinous crime against society, swift and resolute action on a physical basis is absolutely acceptable.

Are you a stair-hogging cockwomble?

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