Glucose Aid

Yesterday afternoon, I started to develop an annoying, dull headache. Knowing that I hadn’t consumed an awful lot of water during the day, I started to drink a lot of it as I was probably dehydrated.

Although the headache initially started to subside, it performed a full 180 degree turn and decided it was far from done where fucking my head with a pneumatic drill was concerned.

It was the worst headache I’ve ever experienced and the 6th May will forever be known as “The Day My Head Felt Like It Would Explode”.

I’ve never had a migraine before and don’t believe this to have been one as I had no issues with looking at light. However, that was the only issue which I didn’t have; everything else I did caused pain. Each individual movement and sound would cause a small earthquake within my skull, threatening to pop my eyeballs out of their sockets. Trying to pinpoint the exact area which was slowly being squeezed by a vice,  I would squeeze parts of my head in turn, hoping this action would at least reduce the pain even just by the minutest amount.

I went to have a nap because at least if I slept, I wouldn’t know I had a headache and hopefully, I’d wake when it was gone.

The evil, torturous devil inside my brain was not going to let me sleep. In fact, laying down and trying to get comfortable in any way, shape or form was actually beginning to make me feel sick.

I was now getting desperate; I’m usually very tolerant to pain but this monster headache was really beginning to get to me.

Despite my brain cells slowly being picked off one by one by the thunderous and continuous waves of agony, I had a brainwave and immediately became annoyed that I hadn’t thought of it earlier.


For years, Lucozade has made up half of my standard hangover kit, along with paracetamol or aspirin.

Whenever I’m going out drinking, I always ensure I have a large bottle of Lucozade and a packet of painkillers. As soon as I stumble through my front door, I drink plenty of the orange stuff and pop some paracetamol. I then keep both by the side of the bed and take as required/allowed during the night. Generally, I’ll wake up hangover-free and feeling absolutely fine (albeit still a little drunk). I’m convinced that Lucozade cures everything.

I dragged myself to the local shop on my elbows, moaning and groaning with each metre covered. There were several times when I thought I was just going to die by the side of the road, but I soldiered on through the agony.

Ok, so it wasn’t quite like that but I managed to get myself some bottles of Original Lucozade. I’d already taken painkillers, so I necked a bottle of my orange saviour and tried to sleep again. This time, I managed to fall asleep and awoke two hours later, with no sign of drum and bass behind my eyeballs. In fact, it felt like I’d had a full night’s sleep in those two hours and I was completely refreshed.

I absolutely swear by Lucozade and I wonder if anyone’s considered testing it as a treatment for HIV, cancer, TB, blindness, stupidity. Ambulances and A&E departments alike should stock the stuff so that it can be given intravenously to patients who are at death’s door. I reckon Lucozade could even help to rejuvenate limbs which have been mauled or severed and would even go as far to suggest that if you were decapitated, your head would grow back again if Lucozade were poured into your neck soon enough.

Lucozade is so amazing, why not take it a step further and use it for fuel? Instead of using BP Ultimate or Shell Optimax fuels in my car, I may start running it on Lucozade alone. I’d probably get a gazillion miles to the gallon.

Has Lucozade cured you of a life-threatening illness before?

4 Replies to “Glucose Aid”

  1. According to a comment on the Ninja Hedgehog Facebook page, Lucozade have changed the recipe for Lucozade Original so I contacted them for confirmation:

    Good day to you, manufacturers of the amazing Lucozade.
    I’ve been a fan of Lucozade Original for as long as I can remember. If ever I’m down in the dumps or feeling as though my belly and cranium are going to implode after a heavy night of drinking, Lucozade Original has carressed me back to normality.
    Even the hardiest of headaches and the dickiest of tums are cured by the glucosey goodness contained in your marvel of a creation.
    The curing of a headache from hell yesterday by Lucozade Original prompted me to write about how amazing Lucozade is (you can find this at but one of my readers mentioned something about you changing the recipe, which now includes something called Aspartame and which causes issues for those who are intolerant to sweeteners.
    Persoanlly, I’ve not noticed any difference in flavour and as I’m the definition of health and fitness (I’m not), the inclusion of any sweeteners has no adverse effect on me whatsoever but I was wondering if it’s true that the recipe has changed recently? If so, why is this?
    I look forward to hearing back from you on this and if you’d like to send me a crate of Lucozade Original, I’d be happy to accept it.
    Kind regards, Ninja Hedgehog.

  2. Yikes! No reply from Lucozade as of yet.

    I’ve sent them a gentle follow-up message:

    I emailed you on Monday with an enquiry about changes to the Lucozade recipe but I’m disappointed to find that I’ve yet to receive any acknowledgement or reply.
    I’m trying to find out if you have indeed halved the amount of glucose found in your drinks and if so, when did this change take place and why did you make the change?
    I look forward to your reply.

    Let’s hope they reply…

  3. I’ve still not received a response from Lucozade, so I’ve contacted them again via the Suntory website and sent the following:

    I’ve contacted you via the Lucozade website twice now but my requests for information appear to have been ingnored.

    I’ve recently found out that the sugar content of Lucozade has reduced considerably, which I believe to be a shame as it’s the sugar content that contributes to Lucozade being my number 1 hangover cure.

    I’d like to know why the sugar content has been cut, whether or not this was a voluntary decision and whether there is anywhere in the U.K. where I can still get hold of some ‘real’ Lucozade.

    I look forward to a response from one of your wonderful employees.

  4. Finally, I received a response from Lucozade about the reduction of sugar content in their drinks:

    Our decision to reduce the sugar in our drinks is due to consumer demand for great-tasting drinks with less sugar. We are excited that we have been able to make great tasting drinks with less sugar at a price are consumers are familiar with.

    In November 2016, we announced through the media and on that we were reducing sugar across our portfolio. These new recipe products are now being sold in retail outlets.

    Throughout the reformulation process we have put consumers first, conducting extensive tests with a large representation of our loyal consumers and the results have been incredibly positive; they told us that the new recipe was still the brand they loved to drink – and the majority of them couldn’t identify a difference.

    As a Company we believe this is the right long term thing to do for consumers, and our business. Consumers have been clear, they want drinks with lower sugar content — sixty per cent of soft drinks sold in the UK are now low and no calorie (Source: BSDA, 2016).

    We’re proud of our drinks development team, who have done a brilliant job to remove 50% of the sugar while keeping the great taste.

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