Britain’s Got Talent: May We See Some?

Yesterday was the first episode from the new series of Britain’s Got Talent. I’ll occasionally watch the auditions, just for the entertainment of it. Here’s what I think about it so far.I didn’t expect David Walliams to be very good at judging the acts on BGT and I always wonder how particular celebrities get chosen for such things. Has David got experience in talent judging? He’s a comedy writer/actor and he can swim, but what on earth made Simon Cowell choose to have him on the judging panel? Whatever the reasoning, David Walliams was a good choice- the chemistry between him and Simon Cowell was brilliant, as was some of his one liners.

Simon Cowell is a twat. He’s smarmy, he’s arrogant and I don’t even rate his ability to choose an act that has a sufficient amount of talent, regardless of whether or not someone’s singing, dancing or playing the harmonica through their nose.

One thing in particular that really got my goat was when Hurley from Lost and his attractive sidekick (Jonathan Antoine and Charlotte Jaconelli) came onto the stage. Thanks to the magic of editing, I already sussed that this couple would be fantastic at whatever it is that they were going to do. Anyway, as they first walked onto the stage, Simon turned to Carmen Electra and said:

“just when you think things can’t get any worse!”

What a ridiculous comment to make, especially after how good Susan Boyle was when she was on one of these programs several years ago. Maybe Simon automatically assumes that people won’t be any good at what they do because they’re not as beautiful as he is? I’m even more surprised that ITV didn’t edit this part out (it was even deemed necessary to provide subtitles so that deaf people could see what a twat Simon is). Surely this just encourages bullies and internet trolls to form negative opinions on people before they even know what they’re capable of? As long as Simon has any part in BGT, it will remain a beauty contest as opposed to a talent competition.

True to form, there were a couple of acts that were bizarre or painful to watch. The golden German man (Dennis Hardy Egel) was booed as soon as he said he was from Germany- I was genuinely surprised by this and felt a little bit embarrassed. I don’t think his singing was especially good and he probably got through to the next round because of the effort he’d put into his costume.

The worst act of all was the woman reading poetry whilst her friend acted it out (Barbara and Bradley). Acting it out involved Bradley hopping around and waving his arms about a bit- I was so distracted by this bit that I don’t even know if Barbara’s poem was any good or not. Simon had initially asked if they were more than friends but Barbara was quick to point out that Bradley looked like an owl and that it would be difficult to have this type of relationship with someone who looked like an owl.

Both Barbara and Bradley seemed a little simple, although I think Bradley was the least simple out of the two of them as he seemed slightly embarrassed to be doing what he was doing.

It’s sad really, because people like Barbara and Bradley have obviously performed in front of friends or family, who have then said that they stand a good chance and should enter BGT. Much in the same way a loyal dog crippled by athritis should be put down in the name of humanity, friends and family of simpletons who risk becoming a laughing stock on national TV should do the humane thing and say “please don’t do it- you’re shit”. Don’t let the Barbaras and Bradleys live a miserable life- put them out of their misery. I would be furious with friends and family if they allowed me to enter BGT, knowing that I had more chance at beating Usain Bolt in a 100 metre sprint than I did at winning a talent competition.

Will I watch BGT next week? Without a doubt. I’m not ashamed to admit that I enjoy having a chuckle at the acts that just mke you cringe. However, there’s nothing more satisfying than watching someone take Simon Cowell completely by surprise, wiping that smarmy smile off his smarmy face. In an ideal world, the Johnathans would realise just how good they were and turn around to the Simon Cowells and say “actually, I don’t need you. Thanks anyway”. There would be no Bradleys, wearing silly hats and acting out epilectic fits to the words of a poem written by the Barbaras. In an ideal world, BGT would only be on TV for half as long.

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