When I was a kid, my friends and I used to get the bus to Greenwich and spend the day just wandering around there. There’s the park, the Cutty Sark and the river to visit. I went back there yesterday for the first time in many years.
Not a lot has changed- the Cutty Sark looks shiny and new and there’s now a couple of restaurants on the river front (it’s a hideous blot on the landscape). But, overall, Greenwich still has it’s quirkiness.
It must easily have been the muggiest day of the year, but I managed to find a spot outside of the Trafalgar Tavern, right next to the river. There was a lovely breeze and I was enjoying a cold pint (or three). In fact, I would gladly spend every warm, summer’s day right at that spot.
My god, the amount of weirdos and freaks that walked past me was unbelievable. I’ve always enjoyed a bit of people spotting (I live near Chatham, which is one of the best places for this) and where possible, I try to take a photo of the odd people that I see, which is a lot easier said than done. Trying to take a quick, covert photo of someone who’s likely to try and murder you (possibly) without them wondering what the hell you’re doing takes a certain skill and finesse.
Anyway, here are my favourite freaks from yesterday. I’ll also include some other random pictures that I took during the afternoon.
To my right, on a bench, was a very loud, obnoxious-sounding woman. She was with a guy and I get the impression that they’d only just met.
I heard her telling this guy: “I don’t care if people think I’m 47 or 21, I’m just me, yeah?”. It’s ironic, because she sounded 21 but didn’t look far off from 47. She obviously didn’t have any mirrors in her house either, because she looked like shit.
Two other guys arrived (unknown to myself or gob-woman) and sat at the little table between myself and her. A friend had asked me to look at a website of theirs, so I was doing this on my phone. Evidently, at this point, the two guys next to me were on their phones too, because suddenly, very loudly, gob-woman said: “That’s really sad- you’re all sitting there together but you’re all on your phones. Haven’t you got anything better to do?”.
The two guys looked a little uncomfortable and didn’t really know what to say, but she’d annoyed me. It wasn’t so much as what she’d just said as it was her face that I found quite offensive.
I thought I’d bamboozle her with words. I replied: “Actually, I’m not with these two guys and I’m checking something that a friend asked me to look at. I suspect, from listening to you for the last hour, that you’re in love with your own voice. You like to think that you’re different to everyone else and that you don’t pretend to be anything that you’re not, which is ironic given the amount of makeup you’re wearing”.
“Even if these guys are on their phones at the same time, it’s entirely their choice to do this and it’s got nothing to do with you. I secretly suspect that one was texting the other to take the piss out of the loud, drunk woman sitting beside them. That’s what I would have been doing if I wasn’t checking what I’d been asked to check”.
Gob-woman didn’t really know what to say, so didn’t say anything at all. The bloke who she was with (he’d started to look bored now anyway) just carried on drinking his pint, oblivious to the fact that his companion had finally shut up. I was quite proud of myself, but then one of the two guys next to me (who up until this point hadn’t even squeaked) said: “Actually, I was texting my mate to ask him what time he’d be here”. The moment was ruined.
I managed to take a photo of gob-woman and hopefully, one of you will recognise her. Ordinarily, I put a watermark on all of my images due to an unfortunate incident I had several years ago, when I stumbled across a website that had one of my photos on there with no credit to me whatsoever. On this occasion, the watermark would make it more difficult to identify this woman, hence it’s absence.
Little Legs Man
I don’t know why, but this bloke’s body was just wrong. His upper body seemed too long and his legs were too little. He was with a woman who had considerably nicer legs than his. At least if he’d had her legs, you could have forgiven the issues with proportion. Maybe it was just me?
Poor Little Dog
I had to do a double take with this one. At first, I thought that this woman just had a fucking ugly baby and automatically looked away with embarrassment. I discreetly looked up again and saw that this woman was pushing her dog in a pushchair!
I started to think that perhaps the dog didn’t quite mind this. It was a hot day, so it may have been grateful for the ride.
But then it looked me right in the eyes, with a look that said: “Please, put an end to this. I’m the laughing stock at Greenwich Park. Call Battersea, The Dogs Trust- anyone!!”. I felt sorry for Benjy (I named him Benjy during that brief moment where we connected).
Last year, I broke my leg, I was laying by the roadside, waiting for what seemed like an eternity for an ambulance. I remember being angry that eventually, a Mondeo Estate turned up instead and that I had to wait even longer for an ambulance.
If I was injured and someone told me they’d called an ambulance but this thing turned up, I wouldn’t be too happy. I wouldn’t really fancy being seen to by a paramedic who was experiencing chaffing. I know this isn’t quite people spotting, but I thought I’d throw it in.
I enjoy people spotting and may even make it a regular feature- I think it’d be worth visiting different towns for the pleasure of this.
If you know any of the people from these photos, please send Ninja Hedgehog an email and let me know- firstname.lastname@example.org.
I’ll leave you with some random photos taken in Greenwich yesterday afternoon. If you spot a freak or a weirdo in any of them, please let me know.